luckyspike:

like ok so scratch would obviously be the registrar because the registrar’s entire job, if i am given to understand correctly, based on my own experiences in college, is to do nothing all year and then fuck everyone up the ass when it comes time to schedule classes

itchy would be the soccer coach

doze would teach history with droog and even droog would find him incredibly boring like his lectures are literally just the worst. his entire page on ratemyprofessor is like “holy fuck if you can take world history 101 with droog instead DO IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD”

trace and fin would be the weird professors in the physics department that technically teach classes, although no one ever sees them and in reality they just get their grad students to do everything because they are busy RESEARCHING

clover would be the fucking student life leader, like the faculty member in charge of that because they’re all too goddamn perky

like there’s any question that die would be the weird old chemistry prof that rides a segway everywhere

crowbar is the bursar and his entire job is to sigh heavily at all the bullshit his college’s faculty gets up to

snowman - dean of biology, has a taxidermied goat in her office when no one has stolen it

stitch is the questionably homosexual dean of the college of fashion design

sawbuck oversees eggs and biscuits in the nutrition department, like not the classes, but the actual cafeteria. they are the college’s “chefs”

matchsticks is the basketball coach and quarters is the football coach and they are literally BEST FRIENDS I WILL ALWAYS PAIR THESE TWO UP AS BROS DON’T JUDGE ME

cans is the lawn care dude lol sorry cans

MIDNIGHT CREW:

slick: criminal justice prof

droog: history prof, not the dean of the department but he might as well be, because everyone’s terrified of him

boxcars: english lit prof, also teaches poetry and is really into trashy romance novels, to his entire department’s great shame

deuce: chemistry prof, loves his job and has unofficial competitions with die’s research lab that mostly consist of blowing up die’s research lab

TEAM SLEUTH:

problem sleuth: criminal justice prof, determined to arrest slick before either one of them retires. rumor has it they’ve both been putting off retirement for years to give sleuth a shot at it

pickle inspector: statistics professor. also captain’s the school’s shooting team. everyone is terrified of him.

ace dick: that awkward faculty member that’s always at the gym and no one actually knows what he teaches but it might be art history

HD: women’s lit professor, deeply fascinated with greek and roman mythology. she and problem sleuth have been married for decades, and they live in a little house right off campus

NB: married to PI. she teaches physics, and unlike fin and trace she actually teaches, and really enjoys it. her students love her.

welcome to MCU, have fun HAHAHAHA you would literally fail every class and maybe be killed within your first semester

under a cut because long, but this is just the best thing and I may have just spent some good minutes giggling at this

literally perfECT